Motherhood. A word that carries so much, often literally. Becoming Mama (or Mom or Mommy or whatever you are to your little angel) is thee greatest gift in the world. IYKYK. It rocks you to the core in the best way and fundamentally changes your life forever. When Sofia arrived on 5.1.23, I instantly experienced the most intense feeling I’d ever felt. She was a surprise (we didn’t know she was a girl), but I had been manifesting her from the beginning. That moment of becoming a mama, to a baby girl no less, was unlike anything I’d ever experienced or will ever experience. I wish for every woman who wants to be a mother that you are given this gift, because if you desire it, you should have it.
The first time Sofia said Mama (which also happened to be her first word!), I think my heart exploded in my chest. Picture the scene where the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes that day….mine wanted to leave my body. I was sitting on the couch and she was standing up on the floor just below me holding onto the couch. She had been babbling, and then all of a sudden she looked up at me and sounded out “Mama.” She kept repeating it and annunciating “Mama” clearer and clearer. I was shocked and fighting back tears behind a giant smile.
This was the first moment where I felt like Sofia knew me, like the 10 months prior of doing everything to give her the best and most diverse life was validated by her looking up at me and identifying me as what I am to her: Mama. I’ve never felt more complete than I did in that moment.
After the initial shock of instantly becoming a parent, and getting into a routine after a month or so when I felt like I had finally figured something out, I experienced a serious identity crisis. I have always been very independent and cherish my alone time. I have always felt like the sky was the limit for me and that there was nothing I couldn’t be or do. And then I became a mother, forever tied to this then-helpless, loving new life that would rely on me forever. I instantly became anchored in a way that I never was. And it was an overwhelming feeling.
I wouldn’t say I’m not maternal. I have always wanted to be a mother and I’m so grateful I am now. But it is challenging to go from ultimate freedom to absolute responsibility. To feel like being a mother is your only new identity and everything else is on the back burner. I never only wanted to be a mother, but once I became one it was hard to see beyond my new title.
A part of growing up and becoming a mature adult involves taking on new responsibilities, but becoming a parent adds the highest level of duty to your life that nothing else ever will. You can’t necessarily just pickup and leave. You can’t “do whatever you want whenever you want.” Your #1 new focus is raising this life well that will one day become a contributing member of society, and it’s on you to do the best job you can. Goodbye selfish Rach. Hello Motherhood.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a mother, it’s fucking hard. It’s beautiful, exhausting, intuitive, overwhelming, endearing, demanding, all the things all at once. You might think you’re prepared for all these things before baby arrives, but you’re not. All of this hits you like a tidal wave the moment you’re handed that bundle of joy and trusted to keep it alive (with VERY little to no training might I add). And add all this to the life you had right before baby arrived and you’re expected to juggle it all: family, friends, self-care, a career, the list goes on and on. Did I mention motherhood was exhausting and overwhelming..?
Once the dust sort of settled, the questions for me became: Who am I outside of being a mother? What’s my new identity? Who do I want to be?
I’d love to sit here and tell you that I have answers to these questions, but I don’t. I am still wrestling with my new reality and what it means for Future Rachael. What I can tell you is that you should be whoever you want to be. Right now, I’m also an advisor, manifestor, creator and writer. I’ve realized I’ll always be Mama, but that’s not all I am. I’m still me, but even more of a badass now that I’m also Mama.
Becoming Mama is all the things all at once. If you only want to be Mama, be Mama! (You’re probably absolutely killing it already.) But if you’re like me and trying to figure out who you are in addition to Mama, welcome to the crew. We are in this together. Join the Destination Found Facebook Community so we can continue this discussion until we have clearer answers, whenever that may be!
Now, off you go. Let the badassery and self-discovery continue!
